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FAQ

What causes adult daughters to reject their mothers?
It’s really complicated. As an adult daughter currently struggling to accept my mother, I’ll tell you my reasons.My mother has gone through a lot in her life and I respect her for just surviving those times, for just making it here as a now wise “old” woman.That being said, she was sometimes just really careless, especially with me because…I’m the eldest? I don’t know, now that I look back, it’s possible that she was just too comfortable with me or she just…didn’t care enough to watch what she said/did and it really hurt. So much so that even to this day, I find it hard to look her in the eye or not cringe when she acts friendly or trust her with anything or sympathise with her at all, even when she’s sick. I know, it’s bad. I should be more caring. I just…have no idea how. No matter how much I try, my brain physically rejects the idea of becoming friends with her. It just really, really hates it.For example, when I had just finished intermediate school (or junior high - I don’t know what you call them in your country) my mother got a job as a restaurant manager in a lower decile region in the west side (we lived in a high decile region on the east side). This was for our residency VISA that we were working so hard for. I was getting separated from all of my friends, into a sea of strangers, and to be really honest I was absolutely terrified. I could see myself as becoming the loner kid that nobody sat with at lunch times, the loner kid with the awkward and silent moments in classes when we were told to discuss with our neighbours, just any typical high school nightmares.But I didn’t let any of this on. I just processed this fear internally and told myself that it was for our family, and that my fears were trivial compared to what we were trying to do. Hold your horses, this is NOT why we’re the way we are now. Like I said, I processed it internally and never held a grudge against her for it. Anyway.Luckily I faked confidence and managed to fit in pretty well.I could tell my mother’s job was stressful. She sometimes asked me to call her at work and pretend that we really needed her, because her boss liked to have drinking sessions after the restaurant closed and my mother hated the politics that continued into those sessions - her boss was the one that was providing and signing the documents required for residency application (as well as other VISA applications), and he liked to practise his power by holding them over his employees’. Like a dog trainer holding a sausage over his dogs.One day, I remembered that it was her birthday. I knew my mum was always stressed about her work and application processes, so I wanted her to have a good time at home. So I worked with my younger brother to bake a cake, clean up the house, blow some balloons and set up a nice table so that she could walk in and…be pleased.I was 16? at the time and baking was not a skill I had mastered. The cake I tried to bake turned out to be a pancake. But no matter, I cut it, decorated it, put it on a nice plate along with other desserts and covered it. Then we waited with the lights off in the dining room so she could be taken off guard completely.We heard the lock being turned that night at around 10pm. We were excited. What would our mother say? We couldn’t wait to see the look on her face.She came in and we both shouted “Happy birthday!” with huge grins on our faces.My mother’s face did not look the way we expected. In fact, the scowl on her face didn’t leave. She didn’t even respond or look at the setup we put effort into.I just thought, “She must be too tired to notice what’s happening” so I lifted up the cover and repeated, “Happy birthday!” At this time I thought she would understand that it was her birthday and we were appreciating her by baking her a cake and making sure that she could relax that day without any worries of chores.She literally brushed past me and began to climb up the stairs to her bedroom. Not a single word or any form of acknowledgement. One of our then flatmates who was in the kitchen found this strange, so she asked, “Aren’t you going to try the cake?”My mother finally turned around and came back to the table, scowl still on her face. She stabbed the cake I made with a fork and shoved a tiny piece into her mouth and made a sound like “Mm” then left.My brother and I were both shocked. This was not the way this was supposed to go. We thought, well, at least I thought I could make her happy for once. As the eldest I hid my huge disappointment and cleaned up the plates. I told my brother that she must be too tired to eat and sent him to bed. But that night, in bed, I wept and wept. Because it hurt. It hurt that she didn’t like the effort and time we spent trying to make her happy. It hurt that we weren’t enough. It hurt that she didn’t even want to acknowledge our effort, let alone thank.The next days it was as if nothing had happened. I continued acting like I wasn’t hurting and my mother soon forgot about it. The event was so insignificant to her, that when I brought it up 5 years later, she couldn’t even remember us doing that. But to us we had put our heart and soul into it. Fine, maybe she was just too distracted. What hurt even more was that after saying she couldn’t remember, she accused me of being lazy while she was working. She believed I was playing games on the computer all day, never studying.As I posted here before, that was not true. I realised the importance of my grades when I was 16 so I began to study without her supervision. I was already in the top class in my high school and the teachers always had nice comments about me. I guess none of that ever mattered.After 3 years, we finally got residency. Finally, it was all over. My mother wanted to move back to the high decile range we used to live in before she got a job. Here another thing I can’t forget is what she said to me. She said that “I could have let you go to that low decile school, but I can’t imagine sending my son to the same school. He deserves better education than that, don’t you think?” I don’t know what message she was implying there, but I just remember that it really hurt.After we moved and my mum was forced to quit her job due to health conditions, she said that she had to compensate for the days she was absent from our lives…by tightening the reins. She thought that was all there was to parenting. No bonding, no spending time together, just…control. When it was not needed. She is also pessimisitc - she likes to have someone to blame for everything that goes wrong, which is more often than not either me or my brother. She criticises and berates but can’t stand disagreement.There were other things that she said and did that hurt me, and little by little it built up inside me I guess. It was worsened by the fact that I didn’t like to vent to my friends about these wounds in fear of embarrassing my family. After all, it was a sin to badmouth your parents.Even now I always feel like I’m never good enough for her. My self-esteem plummeted - I felt like I only caused troubles to those around me (I did not understand that my mother could also contribute to the problem - I just thought that I was always doing something wrong, something that wasn’t enough to fix it all. Now I realise fixing a relationship is a two-way process) and I hated myself until a couple of years ago when I went to this Christian camp. I still can’t have a smartphone or a laptop, and I still need permission to gain access to the computer. The worst thing is, my mother still doesn’t understand why I’m so hurt. Nor did she ever try to address these issues.I tried to somehow fix the broken relationship through letters - like I said before, I could never bring myself to look her in the eye so conversations with her make me uncomfortable. Say one wrong thing or do one wrong thing and it could all blow.Over the years I just thought it was my puberty and hormone-fuelled rage that were ruining it all for me. Well if it was, I shouldn’t feel the way I do as a 20 year old, right? I still struggle to accept my mother, and it’s very difficult. I find it hard to sympathise with her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure I still love my mother and would do anything for her, but the hurt has built up so much that I subconsciously reject her.So moral of the story: address any issues that arise in a relationship as soon as possible. If you think you’ve hurt your child, make sure you address that, because emotional hurt lasts a looong time.P.s. dear future readers: though I appreciate the supportive comments, I am not asking for pity. I dont want it, I'm finding my own way of accepting my life. The purpose of this post was to answer the question — if you keep ignoring the hurt, eventually the daughter might find it hard to accept your actions. The hurt building up for a long time is also very hard to heal. For me, it accumulated over 18 years — even now I find it hard to make eye contact with her, I honestly dont know why.
How do I find out who is using my social security number in name to file taxes?
It is probably not possible to find out if someone is using your SSN currently, but you can obtain an income transcript from the IRS that will show any W-2 that was issued in past years to your SSN. Also the IRS probably would have sent you a letter if you did not report some income that was on a W-2 in your SSN, but the letters regarding the 2017 returns have not come out yet.You can call IRS fraud hotline. Go to the IRS website to find a section on this. There is a form 14039 that you can file with IRS if you suspect that someone may file a tax return using your identity. If someone has filed a return for 2018 using your identity, your return will be rejected if you file electronically and the rejection message will show that a return has already been filed using your SSN. If that occurs you will need to file a paper return with form 14039. The filing information is on the IRS website.
How do I find out if someone has fraudulently filed my taxes?
As this has happened to me, I can tell you, I filed my return and it rejected as having already been filed. Upon talking with the IRS they said someone using my name and ssn filed a return. I went through the procedures to get it corrected. It took awhile, but done.
When have you fired someone on the spot?
Only once did I ever fire someone “on the spot.” I was a manager at a large law firm, and had an employee who thought she could get away with anything. Let’s call her Sue.Because we were dealing with a massive litigation case at the time, we had mandatory overtime. In fact, employees were required to be there from 8am until midnight six days a week. They were well compensated for this, including meals being reimbursed up to $20 for lunch and $30 for dinner, every day, and overtime being paid at 3x base salary instead of 1.5x, because of the massive amount of time required. Additionally, for every 2 weeks worked, 8 hours of paid time off were applied to their pot, for as long as they remained with the firm. (That is, if they resigned or were terminated, that accrued time was forfeited, as a way to keep the employees motivated and honest.) During this time, however, they were PROHIBITED from taking any time off for about a 9 month period, except for verifiable emergencies, the employee was required to bring a doctor note, ER discharge, something verifying the “emergency,” beyond just word of mouth.Sue took as much time in breaks, as she spent time working (literally, every 30 minutes she was off for another one for 15 minutes. Like clockwork.) Because of the hours, employees were granted 15 minutes every 2 hours without any approval — they just needed to notify a leader that they would be away for a few minutes. If they needed more breaks due to a medical issue, they could request them with proper documentation. Since there is no “medical need” to smoke, she couldn’t even try this.Approved lunch was one hour and was PAID. By the end of that 60th minute, employees were expected to be back at their desk, ready to start again. Sue believed she had some seniority privilege that would allow her more time. She believed she could come back, then go for another smoke break.For dinner, also one hour but UNPAID, she did the same thing, somehow thinking that she was eligible for her “next” break the moment she returned to her desk, all the while not realizing that she had already taken more breaks than were approved.Well, Sue liked her time off. Right before the Christmas holiday the year she was fired, she decided to call in sick. This was also pay day. She called off sick, then waltzed in to pick up her check. I had to politely tell her that since she was not “at work,” she could not pick her check up until the next work day. (Perfectly legal, since she called off “sick.”) So, I advised her she is “under review,” and she must pass her performance review in order to receive her annual bonus and raise, and that if she did not pass this review, she would be on probation, and could be terminated for even the slightest of things. (*Note: I would not be the person evaluating her for the performance review — that would have been a manager of another department. Just for neutrality, we did not review our own employees. However, if it was a review precipitated by some action, managers COULD direct what were to occur based on the results of the review.)Well, Sue went all Sybil on this. I thought her head was literally going to start spinning and spewing green stuff she was so furious and demonic in her statements. She then began threatening me, that I “didn’t know who I was screwing with.” She then used a couple of pejoratives that brought the situation to a climax. I went into my office, notified my supervisor, HR, and security, and then told her she was terminated, effective immediately.She actually had the gall at this point to demand pay for her accrued time. Needless to say, we reminded her of her contract and that the accrued time was forfeited if terminated.She attempted to sue both me and the firm over this, citing wrongful termination, discrimination, and sexual harassment, but needless to say, suing a law firm, especially pro se, is a tough feat. By the time it went to court, we had documented all of her breaks that she put in to be paid for, her excessive time on meal breaks, and filed a countersuit. We found that she was paid $30,000 in time not worked. (Employees were being paid $22 per hour, and $55 for OT.) In short, she got smacked with a judgment of $75,000, after court costs and attorney fees.A month later, she was in a major car accident and was paralyzed. The firm chose to waive the judgment out of kindness and compassion.
How can I find out if someone is using my kids’ social security to file their taxes?
If you claim your kids as dependents, the IRS will kick your return back to you if another is using those same numbers.
How can I tell if someone has linked my phone to theirs?
Linked as in hacked?Several ways any or all of these could indicate a hacked phone:You notice apps on your phone that are new that you and your phone manufacturer or service provider did not install.Your phone is ALWAYS warm or hot to the touch even when you're no using it (because your phone IS being used by a background app or another person)You see apps suddenly turning on by themselves and shutting down really quickly like you started them and them quit them.Your phone frequently cycles on and off for no reason (this could be a memory block issue too, not always caused by hacking)Passwords are changed that you didn't changeYou haven't added a significant amount of data to your phone but you're suddenly out of storage space. Again not always indicative of hacking. Check to make sure you haven't synced your phone to install apps purchased on another device automatically (like a tablet)Your phone is suddenly so slow it's near unusable. I feel like a broken record lol but again, not always caused by hacking.You hear strange noises or crackling when taking and making phone calls.You notice charges to the App Store or worse, your bank account or credit cards that you didn't make.The most obvious: you get a message that you've been hacked and they want money to give you access to your phone again.Theres probably more red flags to look for, but those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head. If you suspect you've been hacked there are steps you should take:your first instinct will be to change passwords. YES but do it on ANOTHER DEVICE not your phone. If you're hacked they'll be able to see the new password if you use your phone.Go into settings and wipe your phone. Hopefully you've already backed it up or are able to wireless back it up. DO NOT connect the device to your computer to back it up unless you are able to use a computer that has no info on it that a hacker would want. If you connect a hacked device to another device there's a good chance the hacker will then take control of that computer.I suggest a clean install and manually adding anything you want on the phone back onto it. If you install from a backup AFTER the hacker had access, they can probably still access your phone.Ways hackers can get into your phone (aka have you done these recently?):used free wifi AND logged into sensitive sites like bank accounts. Sometimes they will control a wifi hotspot and give you a fraudulent erosion of the site your visiting in order to obtain your passwordsUsed a public charging station. Apparently hackers can get into your phone through the USB cables now too.Answered any suspicious emails or gone to a phishing website by accident.Jail broken your phone and/or installed apps that were not in the iTunes or google play store.Again, I'm sure there's more things I'm missing in this list, but hopefully this will get you started in figuring out what is going on. If you have an apple device, the Genius Bar will assist you, regardless of whether your phone is still covered by a warranty or not, in determine whether or not you are indeed hacked. Not sure about android phones though, I think you're on your own if that's the phone you have.Good luck! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything is okay!
How can I figure out what I really want to do with my life after college?
I understand you buddy. I understand you completely. I am in the exact same position as you. So let me tell you what i feel about the question and the answers written here.And if you like it give me an upvote ,)After reading this question i thought i am a patient of split personality and i only wrote this question in another of my avatar. So my brother from another mother i feel totally connected to you after reading this question. And about all the answers written here, i think everyone is correct here in their own way but they probably have a different kind of personality and that is why they have written answers without understanding your emotions and therefore, none of the answers made sense to me personally (Well one of them partially did and that's why i upvoted it)I feel we are alike and therefore i will talk about myself here and you might feel connected too. From childhood, i have always lived in my fantasy land that i will/can do this i will/can do that but never actually did anything. When i hear about others all i think is i could have done that thing. And i again go into my fantasy world that i should have done something in my past which would have made a difference. I go into my serious mode. Do something good for 2 days and then come back to the same routine of doing anything. I know i have the potential but still i don't do anything. I get motivated every time i read a book, watch a movie or hear people's story. But result is still nothing. I used to think that there will come a turning point in my life and everything will change suddenly, i will have a successful startup of my own, will go for world tours, will become fit (btw i am fat). But no, nothing of that sort happened in the past 26 years and won't happen in the next 26. I realized that people who are at successful position did not reached there overnight, they worked really hard for it. Because, nothing comes to anyone easily. So, i started working on things. It is as simple as that. Just start working on whatever you want to do, your job, startup, getting fit, anything. NO MATTER HOW SLOWLY OR HOW LATE IT IS JUST START DOING THINGS. As there is no other way to it. Absolutely no other way. You know you have it in you. But do you think you will reach at your success point without doing anything. No you won't. So just start doing. And don't do it for anybody else, JUST DO IT FOR THAT MAN IN THE MIRROR BECAUSE THAT MAN DESERVES IT. ALL THE BEST.Sorry for the long answer.